I had no clue what I was in for when the doctor told me to open my eyes and say hello to my son three years ago. In fact, I thought I had been through the most difficult phase and things would just sort of flow along now that labor and delivery was over. After all, that was the last chapter in all my pregnancy books! Blissfully ignorant silly new mom, laughed my new son...we have loads of adventures to go through together...lots of chapters that your pregnancy books didn't know to write. Of course, even now, I'm just a blissfully ignorant silly mom to a three year old thinking we've been through a lot already but this time, I think I have a hint of things to come. With his little sister in tow, I think they have many plans for how to add wrinkles to my face!
Monday, February 1, 2010
In the last three years: I have been the happiest that I could be. I have been the most frustrated that I think I'll ever be. I've looked upon my sleeping little baby and thought a better child was never born. I've been defeated by one of his terrible tantrums and wondered what I ever did to deserve this devil. I've been touched to tears by his hugs and his i-love-you-mammas. I've been driven to tears by his screaming. I've been desperate to break free of his constant dependence on me. I've been gratified by the same dependence that I want to break. I've stared at his sleeping face dreaming dreams for what he will be. I've known that he'll be what he'll be and my role is not to make anything of him but to be there no matter what. I've held his clingy little hand on his first day of school and then left his hand as he settled in and went running through the gates everyday. I've comforted him a hundred times through a hundred crises from losing a toy to falling off the bed to getting a blood test to not getting to wear his favorite sweater. I've caused him to cry a hundred times by being the root of several of his crises. I've just known what's right for him in some cases. In others, I've stressed and struggled over the smallest decisions wondering if the choices I make will shape him forever. I've been through worry, happiness, sadness, warmth, frustration, despair, panic, hysterical laughter, hysterical sobbing, love, annoyance, and all sorts of other emotionally draining opposites sometimes all in one day.